Family

For me, I would say this is the most important section of this book. This is where change has to start. This is where ideas are formed. This is where values are taught. This is where character is shaped. This is where vision is developed. Family is where Americans are made.

I thought long and hard about this section: about what it means to be an American and how my family helped to shape my life. For me the two are so closely related. It’s a combination of what you see on television and what your parents taught you. When I say parents, I mean: mother, father, aunt, uncle as well as other adults in my family and neighborhood.

Being in the military has allowed me to travel to a few countries and meet lots of people. In talking to other people from other countries the thing that separates us from them is pride. I am not saying that others are not proud of their country. I believe most people are proud of their country to some level. As Americans we take pride to new levels. There was a time when I used to think that everyone wanted to live here.

In my travels I have found that everyone doesn’t want to live here. Many have told me that they love to visit America but would never want to live here. Some told me they wished their country was like America in term of freedom but they would never want to live here. I also found that other countries have trouble with illegal immigration. This means that people want to get into counties to find work just like the Mexican people want into this country. When I found out other countries had illegal immigrant trouble that meant America was not special in that regard. Even knowing that other countries have the same problem we have, in terms of people wanting to go there. That still does not diminish my pride for this country. We have the best country, the best looking flag, the most generous people and I would not want to live anywhere else. Even with all the bad things this country has done to people of my race I still love it. I’m talking about things that were done to them only because they were different. We live in a country where the people are quick to point out the difference of any group of people, and the government is slow to intervene on their behalf. Some countries are better in some areas but as a whole this is the best place to call home, at least for me.

Chapter 1

In order for me to talk about family I need you to understand where I am coming from. I will tell you my family story. I was born in Birmingham Alabama in 1962. Fortunately for me, the worst in terms of open racism in the city was over by the time I came of age. I have two sisters, Sharon and Donna. No brother. A wife Shannon and a daughter Karissa (from a previous relationship). Both of my parents are still together and still alive (my father passed away on 15 Oct 08). I have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. I would say that I had a good childhood. I didn’t get in much trouble. I was an okay student in school. I could have been much better but I did okay. I come from a very close family. When I have told people about my family in the past; many did not believe what I told them. My sisters and I never had a fight. My sisters are six and seven years older than I am. One sister, Donna, likes to say that I am her son. We argued a lot but never had a fight. To this day I have never heard talk of anyone in my family fighting. We have family reunions every two years and when we all get together; we laugh and talk about what’s been going on over the last couple of years: never any fighting. My mother always told us never to fight each other. Fighting was never the answer to any problem. She led by example.

To this day, I have never heard her say an unkind word about her sisters or brothers or any other family member. That’s not to say we never criticize each other when we feel they are wrong. We can criticize each other without being mean and nasty about it. I was taught to treat all people that way. She used to tell us to be good to people even when they are not being good to us. We went to church (Baptist) almost every Sunday. The things I learned in church and home are still with me today. My parents are still in Alabama and I live in Las Vegas. We talk at least once a week, usually on Sunday afternoon but sometimes we talk several times a week. I could not begin to explain the level of love and respect I have for my family. I would not trade them for anything and I feel truly blessed to be a part of this family. I wish that everyone had a family like mine. That love and respect has kept me out of trouble. I have never wanted to do anything that would hurt or embarrass my family.

My mother is the one who did most of the raising and discipline. My dad was a long distance truck driver and was gone most of the time. He would be home most weekends and spent most of his time with us. When he was home I would be on my best behavior. The last thing I wanted was to get a whipping from him. It didn’t happen often, but when it did you did not forget it. Most of my whippings came from my mother. I can remember her making me go get a switch from a bush outside so she could whip me. You knew not to get one too small. If you did you would only make her mad and the whipping would be worse. Going to get that switch would be that longest walk of your life, crying all the way. When I look back on my life, those whippings were the best things that happened to me. I didn’t like them then, but I appreciate them now. If you whip children now either they or other people will call the police. I see children talk back to their parents, saying things that I was afraid to think about mine.

There is no fear. When I was growing up I can honestly say I was afraid of my parents. When I say afraid, I don’t mean I was afraid to talk or be near them. I was just afraid of getting a whipping. I can also say I never got a whipping because I went out and intentionally did something wrong. All of mine was because I didn’t think my actions through. That was just a lack of maturity. It taught me that my action have consequences. When I look at children today too many are not being taught that lesson. People are too quick to call child protective services because a child is being disciplined. The government will step in to stop the parent but when the child grows up and don’t follow the rules the parent was not allowed to teach. The government will do much worse to them. It is as if the government wants to keep the prisons full.

Chapter 2

My mother and I often talk about how children think they know more than the parents do. An example of that is when I was around nine years old. I had been climbing trees with a friend. I went home to get some water and was in a hurry to get back to my tree climbing. As I was about to leave the house, my mother stopped me. She told me that there would come a time, in just a few years, that I would not enjoy climbing trees anymore. I can remember this like it was yesterday. When she told me that, I thought she must be out of her mind. I am having too much fun climbing trees with my friend. There was no way I was not going to want to do this. I stood there and listened to her nonsense. I just wanted her to get to the end of her story so I could get back to my tree climbing. A few years after that story I was about to leave to go riding my bike and she asked me why I was not going to be climbing trees? I then remembered what she had told me years ago. I don’t remember what my response was but I do remember thinking that she had been right. I was not climbing trees anymore. If she was right about that then she might be right about other things. I believe that is when I really started to listen to what she had to say and the advice she would give me. Now I’m not going to lie and say I always did what she said. When I look back on my life, I can honestly say that I wish I had.

I know even if I had listened, my life would not be perfect. Even she is not always right – my wife thinks she is. She just saw things from a maturity that I was yet to obtain. In my adult years there are times when I listened and now I wish I had not. Like I said, she was not always right. I will say that had I listened to her from the start, on the occasions that I think she was wrong those decisions never would have needed to be made. There is no way for me to know. Maybe if I had done things my way on the occasions that I think she was wrong, things may have turned out worse. To this day I thank God that I still have her around to give me advice when I ask and need it.

My mother and I often talk about how we as children thought we knew everything. We thought we knew more than our parents. We thought we knew more than other adults. We thought adults were too old to understand how things are today. We thought adults were out of touch. We wanted to make all of our own decisions. When the real truth was we are not mature enough to understand that it is the youth that does not understand. It is the youth that should not be making decisions. It is the youth that is lacking enough maturity to be in touch. If only there was a way to make them understand. If they understood, life would be a much better for them. Unfortunately that is not the way life works. The very things we rebelled against when we were young are the things we long for when we become adults.

When I was growing up I didn’t get into much trouble. I knew if I did something wrong and my parents found out about it, I would get a whipping. I also knew that if I did something wrong and if any adult in the neighborhood saw me or found out about it, they would tell my parents. If it came down to my word against an adult, I would lose. Back then the rule was children lie. Things have changed a lot. I hear people all the time say, "children don’t lie." When I hear that I always wonder what children are they around. Children do lie, I will say that they don’t do it very well but they do lie. I remember when I was a child. I know for a fact that I lied about things. That’s not to say that I always lied but sometime I did. My parents would not take my word over that of an adult and they were right.

Times have changed. I hear so-called professionals on television all the time saying “children don’t lie”. When I hear this I sometime wonder if there are new types of children out there now. Now they are all perfect little angels and the adults are devils. These are not the type of children I grew up with. The children I grew up with were basically good kids. We would lie to get out of trouble. We would lie to get what we wanted. That’s not to say we were bad kids. We just were not perfect. We didn’t break into houses. We were not out fighting. We were not hurting anyone. We were just having fun with the immaturity of children and sometime we would do the wrong thing.

Like I said earlier, if I did something wrong the adults would tell my parents. When I was a kid, I could tell you the names of all the people that lived on the street where I lived: the people on both sides of the street as well as the street behind our house. I knew most of the people by last name in the entire neighborhood. The adults close to our house knew my parents well enough that they knew where I was allowed to go and whose house I was allowed to go into. If they saw me somewhere I was not supposed to be or if they saw me go into someone’s house I was not supposed to go into They would let me know that saw me and would also tell my parents. It was as if I had parents everywhere. When as a child you know you have all those eyes on you at all times it makes it much easier to stay in line. You know that you can’t really get away with anything. When I was growing up I didn’t like that many people watching me. I used to wish that they would mind their own business. Now as an adult when I look back I know that was the best thing they could have done for me. All children should have neighbors like I had. I hated it at the time but God knows I appreciate it now. This goes back to what my mother and I were saying. When we are children we think we know much more than we really do.

Chapter 3

I am very proud of my family and don’t know if I would have made it this far without them. Now I know many people have done much better than I have with no family at all. There are people who have done much better than I have who come from very abusive and dysfunctional families. I do understand that. Because of the family I have I can not imagine my family not being around me. They are more important to me than anything I could ever own. As I sit here writing this I am searching my mind trying to find the words to truly express their importance. The words don’t exist. To make it simple and to the point Nothing is more important to me than family, with the exception of God. After meeting other people and hearing about their families, I found out how special my family really is. God only know how thankful I am for every one of them. This includes the people who at the time I thought they were just nosey neighbors now I know it was because they cared. It is nice to know that I had so many people who cared about me and still do to this day. That knowledge continues to help me do the right thing. I don’t want to disappoint any of the people who took the time to watch over me.

I have a family reunion coming up and I am very much looking forward to it. When we get together we have such a good time. There are never any arguments, fussing or fighting. We talk about what has been going on over the past two years. We laugh, eat, play games and just have a good time. We remember those who may have passed on since we last got together. We are happy for those who have done well. Most of all we are happy that we are all together again. We realize that at the next reunion someone may not be with us. We must treasure the time we have together. We can not take anything for granted.

All the troubles of world and country can be traced back to the same place, family. Family means up bringing. If the family does the right thing and brings a child up the right way, many of the problems we have today would not exist. I was taught to respect others. No matter how right I think I am. The possibility still exist that I am wrong. We all need to understand that we are one people: one people on one planet that we all must share. If we would all respect each other we would do so much better. No matter how I look at it. It always comes back to family. Politicians like to talk about their family values. More and more we are finding out that they have none. If they have any values at all it is money and power that they value. They don’t value any families outside of their own. I really can’t be sure they value their own family. I say that because of some of the things they say on television. There is no way I would get on a nationally broadcast show and lie like some of them do. They are willing to do what ever it takes to support their party. They will say and do anything. I don’t believe they ever think about their family or their country. This is not a Republican problem. This is a bipartisan problem. It seems that if a person is to be an effective politician in present day, that person must be willing to lie, cheat, distort the truth and put party above all else. They wear flag pins on their suits and that is supposed to show patriotism.

Then they go behind closed doors and wipe their butts with the constitution because it helps their party. I tend to criticize the Republicans more because of the far right, like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. They seem to be evolving into an evil group similar to that of the Ku Klux Klan. Not to say that they will go out and try to lynch people. By that I mean the hate speech they use. It makes me wonder about their family. They ask their listeners to go out and try to disrupt the election process; the Klan did the same thing. They call the Democratic Party the “Democrat part’ because they believe it will upset them. That is disrespectful. Something Klan used to do and still does. They call the people who don’t agree or refuse to go along with their war, traitors or unpatriotic: another Klan tactic.

Sean Hannity likes to call refer to his callers as great Americans. I find that odd because he doesn’t know anything about his callers. As far as he knows the caller could be a rapist or murder. That doesn’t matter to him. His listeners are great Americans because in his mind he is a great American and they listen to him. He strokes their egos by telling them that they are great Americans, implying non listeners are not great Americans, to lift them up and make them feel better about themselves. Klan like. The call Democrats the enemy and the enemy need to be defeated. These are all Klan tactics. These are things that separate us as a people. The Klan tried to separate and dominate. The far right tries to dominate by controlling speech. If the left tries to speak out against the right, they are called derogatory names by all of the right as a group. When you are attacked by so many people, most people will back down. The Republican’s and the right work very well together. They get their talking points out to everyone and they all stick to them. Now I’m not saying the far right and the Republican Party is as bad as the Ku Klux Klan.

What I am saying is that they have some of the same tactics. They are dividing the country, suppressing the voice of the opposition, all the while giving praise and support to those who share their views. What kind of family do these people come from? Is this what they were taught as children? Is this what they are teaching their children?

Chapter 4

Maybe I am wrong in my way of thinking. My actions and beliefs in many ways reflect the type of family, friends, and neighborhood I come from and have. I would want them to be proud of what I am doing and what I have done. It seems that present day politicians and some of the people on the far right feel they will be proud of them because of the position they hold. If the power of influence or the amount of money you are making is the source of your pride, then I would say that they are justified. If this book sells lots of copies and I make lots of money from it. I would be very happy. I would be happy to pay off bills and to help family and friends. If someone reads this book and they move away from the far right and the far left, that would be a great accomplishment. If a politician decides they are no longer for sale after reading something that I have written it would be a dream come true. I know that one is not realistic but what is a man without a dream. If just one person told me that this book made a difference in their life, then I would feel proud. I can’t understand how someone can be proud of manipulation and distortion. When you are proud of that, then the question is who taught you that? Are parents proud of their children when they make lots of money illegally and dishonestly? What kind of values do those people teach their children? How long do they have to lie to themselves before they start believing it? Do they ever believe it?

This is why I could never run for public office. I respect people. I like people. I love my family and friends. Those things would handcuff me. My family and neighbors taught me to respect all people. That all people should have a voice and that voice needs to be heard. Even when I think someone is wrong; I should still listen with an open mind because I could be the one that is wrong. My mom used to tell me”The biggest fool in the world has something they can teach you, even if it is what not to do”. This is not the way in government. It is as if a person has to sell their soul before entering politics. If they don’t sell it before, it is gone soon after they enter office. They don’t like and respect people.

We are all the same, in general. By that I mean we all have someone who loves us. We all have someone we love. That was taught to me by my family. I can’t say truthfully that I understood it when it was told to me, but I understand it now. When you are walking around town or driving on the freeway. Anywhere you see people. Look at each person and think, each one of them have people that love them. Each one of them have people that they love. They all have family and friends. They all have happy times and sad times. They all have lives as complex as yours. That is something that we all have in common. All life is special and worthy of respect. That is something our political leaders were never taught or they have forgotten. It is easy to misuse people if you think of them as less than your equal. It is even easier if you think of them as less than human. When the white man was taking over this country and having the wars with the Indians. They referred to the Indians as savages. Meaning they were not civilized and not their equal. Never mind the fact that they had organized communities and they were farmers. When the white man took Africans from their home land they refereed to them as ape like. They too had organized communities, traders, and farmers. They were not the white man’s equal.

This all comes back to family. What kind of family did the people committing these acts come from? Were their family and friends proud of what they did? Did they teach their children to go out and do the same thing? I feel society is partly to blame for some of this. The common thing I hear today is “men should never hit a woman”. I hate to hear that because it implies that it is okay to hit men. You see talk shows where women get mad at a guy and start hitting him. When he pushes her off of him or hits her back, security jumps him. I think that sends the wrong message. In the real world if that was to happen a woman could get hurt really bad. She believes what she sees on television. That the guy is not going to hit her back. The problem is that at home there is no security to protect you. In all my past relationships I had this conversation. I told them before we dated. If she never hit me I would never hit her. That being said, if she ever hit me I would hit her back. I think it is a show of respect. If you respect someone you would never hit them out of anger. If you don’t respect me I don’t feel I need to respect you. I’m sure my parents would say violence is never the answer. That it would be better to just walk away or call the police. I agree that would be the right thing to do. I am just not sure I would be able to do it if I am angry and was provoked by someone hitting me first. I would be the first to echo that violence is not the answer. That is what I was taught as a child. I was told that repeatedly when I was growing up. If at all possible I should walk away. It does not make me less of a man by walking away. If it is my significant other I should remove myself from the situation and end that relationship. Parents should tell their children to think for themselves. Don’t go by what they see on television. This is even more important, if you have daughters. They need to know that if they hit some guy they could be risking their life. Above all else, the thing parents should be telling their children is to keep their hands to themselves. They should respect themselves and other people.

Family is the answer to almost everything. When government want to launch wars, I always wonder if they ever think about the cost in lives. I wonder if their parents taught them that life is important. I wonder if they care about the fact that every person that they kill will have a long line of people who are family and friends. Are these same government leaders teaching their children that violence is the answer to their problems? Parents need to educate their children on how they should conduct themselves when they get out on their own. Children should be taught from the start that they should respect all people. It does not mater what race the person is. It does not matter if the person is male or female. It does not mater if the person is from America or some other county. It does not matter what religion the person claims. The only thing that should matter is: this is a living human being. God has given this person life and we all should respect it. Maybe I am just afraid to show God that I don’t respect what he has created. Again it goes back to my upbringing. I was taught to both fear and respect God. Maybe if you don’t believe in God then you don’t believe there are consequences in the after life. Still, if you don’t believe in God you would still want people to respect you. I was taught to treat people the way I want them to treat me. If everyone was taught that, and everyone taught that to their children, we would have a very peaceful world. This is a very simple task. It means that everyone is responsible for themselves. This is the liberal in me talking but it seems like a simple thing to do. If every person was to take responsibility for themselves and their children we could have world peace. That means that there would be no fights because I don’t want to be hit, therefore I would not hit anyone. I don’t want to be killed; therefore I would not kill anyone. I want my privacy and personal property to be respected. I will respect the privacy and personal property of others. If parents were to tell this to their children and show them by conducting their everyday lives this way. The children will follow what their parents have taught them.

Chapter 5

My parents were very much involved in my life when I was growing up. Even as an adult they are still involved in my life. They wanted to know who my friends were. They wanted to meet them and know what we were doing. They would go to my school and talk to my teachers. I will be the first to admit that I was not the best student in school. I could have done much better. My parents did push me to do better in class. I just was not motivated to get all “As”. My sisters were, but not me. It was not because my parents didn’t try to get me to do better. It was all me. If it wasn’t for them I would have done much worse. I can’t say they didn’t try because they did try to motivate me. I know this is not important when I am talking about family. I mention this because I don’t want people thinking my family is perfect, or that I am trying to imply that they are. We have school drop outs. We have alcoholics, drug addicts and homosexuals. I only mention homosexuals because in the minds of some people; being homosexual is a choice. I don’t agree with that. I believe that being homosexual is the way God made them. I know the Bible speaks against it. The Bible is not always consistent. God said we would not always understand what he does. I accept that and if that is the way he made them, and then it is okay with me. I am getting off track. I just wanted to show that my family is not perfect. We have the same problems most families have. The thing that sets us apart is we all get along. We love each other regardless of our faults. I think all of the individual families that make up the Spencer side of my family, taught their children the same thing. That family is a special thing. When all else fails you always have your family. No mater how bad things are, you can always find comfort with your family. This is something that all parents should pass on to all of their children. I believe that most parents love their children. I say most parents because there are parents that beat, abuse, starve, torture, and kill their children. There is no way you can do that if you truly love them. If you love them you must prepare them for the time when they are on their own. You will prepare them for the time when you can not be there to protect them. You will teach them how to protect themselves. Just as when they are babies you feed them. When they are older you teach them how to feed themselves. Parents must not be concerned with being their child’s best friend. That time will come later. You must be willing to lay down the law when it is needed. Children should both fear and respect you. I don’t mean they should fear you as a person. I mean they should fear the consequences from you when they do something wrong. In doing that you must show them love. You must praise them when they do something good. You must encourage them when they don’t think they can do something. When they fail you must continue to push them until they get it right. Parents must be there for their children. They must be there to set the example for their children to live by. They must be there showing respect to others so their children have someone to immolate. Parents must stop looking to Hollywood and professional sports as role models for their children. Parents must be the role model for their children. The only thing children or any of us know about these actors and an athlete is what we see on television and what we read in the newspaper. They are with their parents’ everyday and talk to them daily. They get to see their parents talk to others and interact with people on a regular basis. Parents should be setting the example and therefore being the role model. It is sad to think that some children know more about characters on television shows than they know about their parents. That’s not hard to believe when children spend lots of time on their own watching television. Televisions have become a babysitter in today’s generation. This is just wrong.

Chapter 6

I have to wonder what makes some people decide to have children. Children are a huge responsibility. It requires dedication, sacrifices, lots of money and lots of time. Why do some people decide to have children when they can barely feed themselves? Why do some people decide to have children when they can’t keep up with the rent? Maybe I am being delusional but I truly feel that having children and raising a family is an optional responsibility. It means that you are responsible for life of another human being. You are responsible for providing nourishment both physically and emotionally. You are responsible for providing entertainment. You are responsible for feeding this child; at no time is feeding optional. Above all else you are responsible for shaping this young mind. You must prepare this child to take their place in society. They must be able to stand on their own. They must know how to interact with other people. They must understand that they are sharing this planet with other people. You are responsible for teaching them to respect other people and their property. These are responsibilities that I think some people take too lightly. It is a major undertaking and I take my hat off to all who take this responsibility seriously and to those who do it correctly. I’m sure it is hard work with great rewards.

Nowadays there are many potholes in the road to adulthood. It seems as if there are more child predators out there than in any other time in history. Maybe it seems that way because of 24 hour news stations. Any time something happens with a child it makes the world news. If it is really bad it will be on all the stations and played over and over. It is not safe on the street. There is danger in schools. There are dangers on the internet. Nowadays children have so much more than I did when I growing up. They also have a lot less. We were outside running, climbing trees, shooting marbles, playing ball, and riding our bikes. We used to make bikes, skateboards, and go-carts. We didn’t spend much time in the house. Kids today have computers, Play Stations, and X-Boxes. They don’t spend much time outside. I will say, they seem to be good with computer and are real good with video games. I do see some kids in my neighborhood riding their bikes, maybe two or three kids at a time. Not like when I was a kid. Sometimes there would be as many as 15 or 16 of us riding together. Sometimes we would get basketball games going and we would play from 9 or 10 in the morning until it was too dark to see anything. Almost all the fun we had was outside. Today’s kids seem to have most of their fun inside. I’m not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I do think children need to get lots of exercise. Sitting in front of the computer or television all day eating junk food is not good for them. Children do seem to be more overweight today than when I was a child. Given the danger that appears to be waiting on them outside, a little weight gain is not that bad.

If this country is to survive it will be up to the family to make it happen. The families will have to take responsibility for its members. We must teach our children to respect all people. We ourselves must respect all people. Parents must be role models and lead their children by example. If today’s parents don’t take the lead and teach their children what they need to know. Our nation is doomed.